THE SEX FILES: 2012 Resolutions
I’m not promising to stop or to change a blessed thing-seeing as I am pretty much perfect-but with the start of the new year there is always a hope things will get a little bit better, that we might see some changes, that maybe what was good before will get better and what was bad will flitter away. So here is my list for a sexy new year and what I’d like to see changed, added to or simply taken away.
1.) Please, no more pants with words written on the back. The rule of thumb on this one is…if you are wearing the word “Juicy” “Hottie” “Princess” or any other sexually positive, more-than-slight come-on one-word moniker on your ass you probably are not a hottie, have maybe drunk way too much juice and are the Princess of a kingdom only in your own mind. Let’s stop this trend for 2012! (and really, if the word Princess fits across your ass you probably have some other stuff to address as well).
2.) Please, can our starlets stop loosing so much weight? Have you seen the recent pictures of Snookie, all 98 lbs of her now? Isn’t there an old axiom that says ‘real women have curves’. We have all seen how this dangerous anorexic trend continuing still in Hollywood trickles down to our pre-pubescent daughters. Really, this is some serious shit in a column I usually try to keep light-hearted: too skinny is none too healthy.
3.) Please, more dirty movies. I don’t mean the kind we see from our friends at Vivid or Wicked or Digital Playground (though I also want our friends from those porn companies to keep doing what they do), I mean good old fashioned boob-baring, dirty-joke telling sex comedies like “Porkies” (though we don’t need to remake movies). We get something bawdy now about once a year, usually in summer, but I say give us a few like “Super Bad” and “Wedding Crashers” even, keep the boobs bouncing and the naughty jokes a comin’.
4.) Please stop dishing the political sex dirt. As this election year amps-up you just know there is going to be lots of mud slinging. I am hoping that we stick to the issues and we can all maybe stop the tittering we do about these mens’ personal lives. I’m not sure it really much matters if a political hopeful had an affair or not, if some guy is dumb enough to be twittering pics of his pee pee or if some state attorney used to be a dom or is even one presently when she is not working in the office.
5.) Please, stop posting the hacked celebrity nudes. Yes, I will admit I looked just like everybody else at Scarlett’s boobs (I even blogged about it here, but really, we’re all pretty much naked when we take off our clothes; is Scarlett Johansson’s bod really any more fascinating than anyone else’s just because she is a celeb?
Like all of you, I am just hoping for pretty much a quiet existence, maybe a few more shekels and the good health of the people I love. If I can get even a few of the above attended to it might be a very sexy new year after all. One can hope, can’t one?